Who am I?
Life is certainly never dull. I have always prided myself on no matter what I was dealt – I could handle it. I was that kid in school who had been through the family tragedy and come through the other side. I was that same kid when I went through the accident that left me in a coma for 10 days with a 10 % chance of surviving. I was like, to paraphrase a Harry Potter line…“the girl who lived”. Friends and family would comment how I held it all together and in a way that established who I was.
I suppose all people in one form or another experience depression. In the early years I used to wonder why they couldn’t hold on to the positive – I tended to label those people who couldn’t pull themselves out of the ashes – weak. By High school I felt people just needed to “suck it up” and move on. Really, get over it. Then at 29 I experienced my first real knock you flat on the ground depression.
At the time of the car accident that took my mom and step dad’s life I was a young mom and we had been walking with God if not intentionally, then at least occasionally. The accident knocked the air out of me. I remember many of my prayers, crying out to God to bring me through. I could visualize a darkness in my mind—almost like falling off the edge of a tread mill. If I did not move forward, I surely was going to fall into the darkness. I was not this weak person I was suddenly seeing in the shadows… so I battled on and through…. For about a year.
I stayed busy. I didn’t allow down time to let me think too hard about what I had been through. People who didn’t know me prior to the accident, had no idea what I had been through. At the one year mark, I left my job for three months to pull the pieces of me together that were starting to fray and pull apart. That decision was probably one of the best things I have ever done. This bad time wasn’t without purpose. Number one, I knew that even though I didn’t understand what was going on, I had to trust God at all times in all things. I felt like the Psalmist who saw all his enemies closing in around him. He would cry out to God and not see His hand in all of this. Nonetheless, he would end the Psalm with hope, trust, and belief that the Almighty knew what He was doing.
He was very gracious to carry me through that period. God also taught me how to have sympathy and compassion on those who’re going through similar things. I started to see in a new light how we all have things in us—be they amazing tragedies, or incredible heart breaks. We don’t all wear them on our sleeves. We do not know what each person—even in a room like this, carries with them every day.
It’s in these times that the Christian must especially hold fast to that which they know to be true from Scripture. That God is good all the time. That everything which happens in our life is furthering the purpose of God (which is a good purpose). That God is with us through even our sorrows. That his purpose is more important than our temporal comfort. Though I have not experienced again what I did 13 years ago (an almost paralyzing depression), I have had my moments where I can feel it creeping in. Sometimes I have a sorrow looming over me for a few hours. Sometimes, a few days. And yet, because of the faith God has graciously given me, I cling to His promises. He has brought me too it—He will surely bring me through it.
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
(I bring this devotion today because the beginning of June is always hard for me. I hit the anniversary of the accident on the 6th and it rips me apart. Thank you Key for walking with me this year. On the 7th is, or would be, my sisters birthday. This year she would be 35. She died in the fire at age 5. Not a year goes by that I don’t wonder what it would be like to be an Aunt to her children, to see what type of woman she would have been…. And definitely how great it would have been to have her all these years with mom and dad gone so I would have someone to talk to who is at that same level of pain.
And now today , in June – I go to the funeral of a dear friend who died of a heart attack last week.
I again lean against God to hold me, even carry me, through these times.
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