Pieces of Me…
I am not really sure why I feel a desire to put this to words… but I do. So I will.
January 27th is in most cases, most years, a hard day for me. It is for one my mom’s birthday and if you know me well, you know that I am my mother’s daughter…. I am her sarcastic, fun loving, joker of a daughter, one hundred percent. You would also know – that I miss her very much and if I have anything that works like kryptonite on me… it is my undying, devoted love for my family.
Many of you also know that January 27th is also the day that in 1980… my life changed forever when our family home caught on fire and that catastrophe took with it the lives of my 5 year old sister Tara, and my 39 year old father, Gary. This left me, and my mom who at that time was 32. I was 12.
This is one of those events in life that I would think with all the years… with the young age that I was, I wouldn’t have such clarity of the events of that day. But I do. I can recall the time, how it happened, what was said, my dad’s last words… my last glimpse of him… holding Tara.
And yes… my heart breaks over, and over, again.
Faith in God brings me to the place where I am today. I am strong in that faith… and I know I will get to see them all again someday. Yet… to be completely honest… I still do, and probably always will… carry an ache inside of me of opportunities on this earth lost… knowing them better, growing up with my sister, being an aunt…. conversations and life lessons….
The final piece of this is that mom died in 1996 along with my step dad when a car crossed into their lane and hit them head on. The last member of my immediate family… in a blink of an eye… vanished from me.
Over the last few weeks I have found myself drawn to my mother’s jewelery. She loved unusual pieces and she has an antique dentist cabinet full of them. This is something that now 13 years later… I still have not cleared out. I don’t think I ever will. It is hers… I love opening one of the many tiny drawers and peeking inside… the jewelery that once I found to be uniquely her, I now am drawn too… and wearing some of it recently, knowing that she was the last one to put them on…. is a little breath of her.
I feel the day coming…. almost like a weight. I don’t know why this year it seems to pull at me stronger than in the past few…. but it is… and I don’t mind because I like to think of them…. and each of them somehow intertwine in this date of January 27th. They are the pieces of me that I am missing.
Sometimes I am amazed at how much.
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